Whoops, I’m probably projecting — I just imagine I’m your movie star — as I plan your closet for fall

Is your mom still reading this, right now? I know my mom would think it’s rad. People: me and my college roommates at Columbia, what do you guys do now?

My true passion is fashion.

I used to be the most hated person at your high school.

I walked all day and in front of your laundry room.

I used to want to smash your vagina.

I made a bet with my roommate that we could completely drown each other.

People think I’m some crazy lesbian.

I love gymnastics and like to cry.

Do you know who we are? We’re a fashion team. I’m LaQue and Sarah (and Julia, who is acting). We’re working on your closet, and I’m just kidding. But we are so into your closet and your clothes and how fast you can accessorize.

In your mind, I am a fashions journalist from the Cut. You think we’re into everyday fashion, and that we’re secret has-beens. Nonsense! We’re very much down to come to school, hang out at your frat, and take class just to get to your home room.

We are all fashion writers who hang out together. We’re human, too, and pretty nervous about how we all look in your closet. Because you thought we were normal, but we’re not normal. We were kind of envious of your closet a few years ago, so we’re here to help you. We are here to help you rebuild your closet.

Basically, this is what we’re doing: We are staging a super-do-it-yourself dressing room at your on-campus film production studio. You can pretty much hang out there and shop for you and figure out how to spend a weekend as if you are a fashion reporter, for real. You don’t need to see these photos.

The dress rehearsal is just so the logistics work out. We want to go to a Target near your apartment this weekend and do what I’m about to say, in your closet:

We want to fix your closet. But also, we need to look like we’re experts. I’m talking nonstop repetition with close-ups of products and trends you see in the magazines. These photos are put together by 12 people around the world (and can cost $10,000 a piece) from brands like Yves Saint Laurent, Bottega Veneta, Theory, Céline, and Elie Saab, to name a few. At 6 p.m. tonight, we will eat dinner in your closet. Say hi to every person. At 7 p.m., we will pose for you in all of your clothes, and hopefully you’ll get the feeling that I look like half of your girl group. We also do this every single week and pretty much only dress the people of color in this process. These images are just a photo retouching process to make sure you don’t see fault with anything in your closet.

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